Sensitive Groove

With Eus, I stroll along the water at our vacation spot in Spanish Puerto Sherry. The sun appears on the horizon, golden-yellow with hints of red. It’s going to be yet another sun-drenched day. My birthday gift, a Huawei smartphone, keeps buzzing. Messages keep rolling in, heartfelt wishes that touch me. But I miss the congratulations from a dear friend. Has she forgotten? Or… I recently left a message on her voicemail. I felt her new love truly deserved her time. She is worth it, and I made that quite clear. Is she upset about that?

Like a Groove in a Vinyl Record

Alongside those more than a hundred heartwarming messages, there is that one missing message that lingers, like a needle stuck in the groove of an old vinyl record. It’s a sensitive tune, but as time passes, I hear it less and less. Just around my birthday, the record doesn’t just stick; it seems to start scratching; “You should have done better, approached it differently, you’re falling short,” it echoes endlessly.

Stepping Out on My Own

I then decide to give the needle a nudge so the music continues. I leave a message on WhatsApp; “Hey, hey, you know I’m quick to voice my opinion, but I really didn’t hurt you, did I?”

After sending the message, I immediately receive the reply I’ve been hoping for. “Dear sweetie, congratulations once again! I love you because you inspire me to follow my own path. Initially, I thought the same as you, but now love has developed surprisingly,” she shares.

Being Aware of an Old Pattern

Phew, what a relief. Why does it still feel so different? Why does the fear creep in that a loved one might, over one wrong remark, pull the plug and say, “Goodbye!”? And suddenly all the accumulated credits seem worthless?

In the past, this has indeed happened a few times, but in retrospect, people who react like that don’t really belong in my life. As Eus, my husband, beautifully puts it: “Sweetheart, they are not worth your time.” After my friend’s message, I breathe a sigh of relief again. Symbolically, I turn my record player away from that needle that kept sticking. “See, you were wrong.”

Verifying the Groove

Feeling reassured, I think I have now said goodbye to this old pattern, but the night before my parents leave after our joint vacation, I can’t sleep a wink. Questions swirl endlessly in my mind. “Should I have given them even more attention? What if this is the last time—shouldn’t I have made them feel even more loved?”

Before I know it, that needle is stuck again on that awful record. The same phrase plays on repeat. Goodbye sleep. As I step out of bed and sit down with my parents for breakfast, I quickly realize that nothing is wrong. “We are more than satisfied. We had a wonderful time with you,” the table resounds.

Do you recognize that? Do you sometimes also struggle with a needle stuck in the groove of an overplayed record, playing the same tune?

What to Do When Stuck in an Old Pattern?

Later, when walking along the beach with Eus, we talk about that feeling of the needle stuck in the groove of a record. How do you deal with it?

“It’s old pain that probably still needs to be felt, without you having to remain stuck in it,” Eus says. “Feel and experience! Ask yourself why the record is stuck there. What old belief lies behind it? What message does this belief hold?”

I need to think about that. “I’m afraid of falling short and losing my loved ones,” I reply. “But at the same time, I wonder how much I’m shortchanging myself by losing myself.”

So, don’t break the vinyl record in half and throw it away, because then the same tune will continue to echo in your head. It’s better to see what it still has to tell you. Situations don’t happen without reason. After all, we all have ‘work in progress’.

‘Olé’

Then something special happens. We walk through a narrow street in Andalusian Sanlucar and hear drums, clapping, followed by singing. Curious, we step into a bar and see a proud Spanish woman with a furrowed brow, hand on her heart as if in pain, singing flamenco. Suddenly she belts out, “Why did you leave me?” The clapping becomes more fervent, offbeat, with the multi-voiced singing of her guitarists in the background. Then the singer wails for minutes in various tones with different facial expressions on the word “S-o-o-o-o-o-y” (me). Then suddenly a clap followed by silence, as if she’s preparing for the final chord. Then she exclaims, “tal buena como soy!” (good enough as I am). The guitarists affirm this with loud clapping and a heartfelt ‘Olé‘!