Involvement, Passion, or Taking it Easy
After a refreshing walk, my friend and I stroll into a small village and settle down at the narrow terrace of Café Canelas. The owner sits across from us, smoking her cigarette, looking attentively ahead. After a friendly smile, she remains focused on the curb in front of her. Feeling a bit silly, I ask, “Are you open?” “Yes, indeed,” she replies, her mouth curling into a smile. Once her cigarette is finished, she slowly makes her way into the café. I follow her, but suddenly she disappears. After five minutes, she returns, and I place my order. The coffee machine starts to gurgle. All the actions leading to our long-awaited coffee are executed in slow motion. Goodness, I couldn’t bring myself to treat my guests this way. Yet, this café is beloved, and the owner is a kind person.
In Slow Motion
After a peaceful winter filled with nights that for me resemble hibernation, I surprisingly found sleep elusive last week. Sweating, breathing rapidly, my thoughts racing everywhere; I’m out of my center. Coincidentally, I’ve filled my days with spring-like enthusiasm, bouncing around like a spring chicken. We’re inundating dear friends with exciting outings, combined with house hunting. Super fun, of course. Making up for lost time together in a week. After an inspiring trek, which included viewing a poorly maintained house owned by a depressed owner, I find it hard to digest my impressions from the day at night. A classic case of tapping into my seemingly endless energy, wanting to inspire, maintain, and falling into its pitfalls. And of course, I do it all myself because I genuinely enjoy it. Still, I can learn from the Portuguese café owner. Slow motion. Taking a moment to stare into space, but without a cigarette. Breathing in and out deeply. An inspiring workshop on the Enneagram by Diana Steenbeek reflects my inner conflict.
Balancing Distance and Involvement
I score high on the type two, the caretaker. The one who tunes in to what others need, is involved but struggles to receive. Caring for and being involved with others can be valuable traits, provided you listen to your own needs and teach accordingly. My experience is that excessive involvement and care lead to sponge behavior. This often occurs while the environment isn’t asking for care and involvement; it happens naturally. It’s nice to pamper people. Maintaining distance diminishes my enjoyment of being or working together. Flexibility and emotional intelligence are necessary to playfully switch between distance and involvement.
The Qualities of Distance and Involvement
Yet, distance possesses as many qualities as involvement. Maintaining distance allows for the uniqueness and autonomy of all parties. ‘Allowing each other space’ and ‘making space for yourself’ are essential virtues. With a certain distance, I also find it easier to maintain an overview and stay on course. Involvement offers safety; one feels seen and at home. It creates synergy, leading to the sharing of emotions or ideas. The added value of one plus one is three.
The Enneagram
In addition to scoring high on type two, I also scored equally high on type eight. This type keeps me balanced, as long as I don’t fall into its pitfalls. The eight is represented as ‘the boss,’ who prefers to keep the reins in hand. A person who passionately tries to achieve what they want. These individuals are not followers but true leaders; they don’t necessarily need to be deeply involved but often find themselves ‘lonely at the top’. If they overdo it, they can become coercive, distant, and uninvolved. Both types, two and eight, can move mountains; however, if they become fixated on their type, they dive into the abyss.
Inner Struggle
Not that I want to explain the beautiful wisdom of the Enneagram in a nutshell; for that, you need to go to Diana Steenbeek. It’s not my area of expertise, but truly hers. However, this workshop reflects my inner struggle of wanting to lead, wanting to carve my own path, to be independent and free while also being involved and contributing to joy and a harmonious atmosphere. The contradiction of taking distance and being close. It’s fascinating to share our findings from this workshop with our friends. Becoming aware of how everyone handles situations differently. Daily life reflects what you need for balance.
Creating Space for Yourself
Before the workshop began, we had to choose an animal, and alongside the lion, I chose the eagle. The latter gave me the clue for my inner conflict. To balance flexibly between distance and involvement requires a helicopter view. Connecting with your feelings and intuition while maintaining an overview. To make conscious choices, it’s necessary to create space for yourself to stand close to yourself and indirectly to others. Stepping away from the world, like Mrs. Canelas, who in slow motion takes a drag from her cigarette and focuses infinitely.
What’s your first impulse; to keep your distance or to be involved? How do you find balance between creating space for yourself and being involved with others?
